Thursday, December 2, 2010
I can explain. It wasn't my fault. I swear it wasn't. I was just trying to put a little Christmas spirit into the house. All I wanted was a nice pretty Christmas tree. One with lots and lots of lights. Not as many as last year. You remember that one? The heat from all the lights overheated the tree and it burst into flames. The Fire Chief said it was the most beautiful Christmas tree fire he had ever seen. All the pretty lights set off a lovely glow as they exploded from the heat. And now we have very original ornaments. After all, how many people have melted ornaments that Salvador Dali would be proud of?
This year I was going to test the lights BEFORE I put them on the tree. I did. I tested everyone of those damn bulbs. Do you have any idea how long it takes to test 2000 bulbs? Let me tell you it takes A LOT of time. God made the world in 6 days. It took me three weeks to test all those damn bulbs. For a while I thought the world had become polka dotted. Turns out it was just the results from staring at all those bulbs for so long.When they were finally all working, I carefully put them on the tree. Well first I had to chase the cat to get the string of lights back. He thought we were playing a game. I would start to put the string of lights on the tree and he was on the other side pulling them down. I finally put all 2000 lights on the tree. I was ready for the big lighting. I gathered the family we sang songs and I began to plug in the tree lights. Guess what. Nothing happened. NOT ONE DAMN LIGHT LIT UP! I carefully removed the lights and tested them again. Yup they all worked. I carefully strung the lights up again. Again they didn't work. By the third time I tried this I just lost it. I am so sorry Santa. I tried. I really really tried. I just lost my mind. The kids have told me I got a strange look on my face and then began to kick the tree while frantically ripping the branches off the tree while screaming something about a conspiracy by the tree light manufacturers to force me to buy all their lights and send their kids to college while they retire to South America. I can't vouch for this story as I have no recollection. The next thing I knew the tree was halfway through the window and the children and cats were cowering under the bed.
The children have now purchased me an early Christmas present. I now have a beautiful artificial pre-lit tree. It looks very pretty all lit up. I wish I could get a closer look but the children have forbidden me to get anywhere near the tree. I still think it would look better if I put a few more lights on it. Just a few. What can it hurt?
I believe that the pre lit tree was invented by some poor damaged child. I think this poor child was traumatized by memories of their parents throwing a tree through the window in some crazed frenzy of frustration. See I didn't damage my children. I created memories and perhaps sent them on the road to future entrepreneurship.
See Santa I told you it wasn't my fault. I tried. I really tried. Next year, do you think you could bring me pre wrapped and bought presents? I think it might save my sanity.